Tag Archives: spending money

Dash Bored

Last week Amazon announced a new way to structure our lives around buying shit from Amazon: the Dash button. To avoid a detergent crisis place the Dash with the Tide logo on your washer. When you’re nearing your last load simply press the Dash to order more soap. Of course, you’ll still need to verify the purchase on a smartphone, tablet or (if you’re old-fashioned like me) a laptop.

This is great news for people with busy lives and no time to waste. Sorry, Mr. Keats, but efficiency—not truth—is beauty.

But more free time increases our chances for boredom. To combat consumer angst I hereby announce the Stash button, your on-the-spot vice shop.

Jonesing for chocolate? Stash has teamed with Nabisco, Keebler and Hershey’s to help send you into a diabetic coma at the flick of the wrist.

Down to your last Oxy? Out of Zoloft? Stash knows a guy who knows a guy. With a little help from your friends at Pfizer you’ll be riding the wave in no time.

Traditional porn too soft? Stash has you covered. One click and we’ll deposit thousands of kink links into your spank bank, available for immediate withdrawal.

We’re working with the FDA, FBI and DEA to help smart shoppers secure the best deals on American staples like alcohol, tobacco and firearms. Lawyers and lobbyists (many of whom are lawyers) are pounding the pavement to help you get off.

In this age of over-stimulation there’s no limit to our capacity for numbness. Paper towels are nice, but when life gets messy I’m anxious for a bounty only Stash provides.

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